December 2009
14 posts
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The Eight Sexiest Scenes in Christmas Movie...
There wasn’t enough list-based content on the internet, so I thought I should add this contribution.
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American Pie Ruined My Adolescence
I wrote this. And the internet tore me a new asshole for my opinion.
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Sex Advice From Playwrights
Thanks to Josh, Katie, and Braden for this one!
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Sex Advice From Dungeons & Dragons Players
Thanks to Paul, Devon, Chris, and Kate for helping me out with this.
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The 15 Greatest Acts of Rock Rebellion
I helped work on this. I focus solely on nerdy, angry, British rockers in suits. Because my tastes are *that* predictable.
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Breaking: College Students Like to Drink, Have Sex
Available on nerve.com
(The link in the article is broken - but go here to read up on the story.)
- Editin’ Eric
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One of Pablo Picasso’s Influences? Japanese...
Available on nerve.com
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Problem solved
How exactly should women get the attention of the opposite sex? Wonder no more because the University of Leeds has figured out the answer: bare 40 percent of your skin.
Four female researchers secretly documented a typical night at one of Leed’s biggest nightclubs, monitoring what women wore and how many guys approached them on the dance floor. That sounds about right; going to a dance...
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Mirth Control
You might want to start repeating the word flibanserin. Just what is flibanserin?
“Flibanserin is being developed as a non-hormonal treatment for low sexual desire in women, a market that’s thought to be more financially lucrative than even the $2 billion dollar erectile dysfunction market.”
The drug is still in the Phase 3 trial stages and far from being approved. Plus,...
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Sex Comics! Incredible First Issue!
The Faster Times has turned me onto the story of Liza Bley, who as part of her final project at the New School, took the opportunity to create a genuinely cool and informative piece of writing. Not Your Mother’s Meatloaf is the end result: a progressive sex-ed comic book. Her project encompasses research from sources as varied as trained university professionals, adult toy shops, and most...
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Kiss Me! Your Life Depends on It!
Cytomegalovirus lurks in our saliva and can cause serious health issues to pregnant women and their unborn babies. But new research has shown of a powerful way to inoculate women: a heavy dose of making out. The most sure-fire way for a woman to build up resistance to the virus is exchanging saliva with a male carrier. The first exchange begins building up her body’s defense mechanisms;...
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Manheim Screamroller's Greatest Hits (track 5)
(to the tune of “Let My Love Open the Door” by Pete Townshend)
When people keep debating Just one holiday for all When everybody keeps demanding You pick winter or the fall Celebrate the screams and the snow Celebrate the screams and the snow Celebrate the screams and the snow The whole year When good times are celebrated When magic happens at sundown Every house is...
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Manheim Screamroller's Greatest Hits (track 4)
(to the tune of “Little Drummer Boy”)
Run, he’s coming, the little mummy Disturbed the ancient king, the little mummy We stole his crown of gold, the little mummy He’s dusty and so old, the little mummy Little mummy, Little mummy So we must escape, the little mummy For our lives Angry pharaoh, the little mummy We stole so much from him, the little mummy A precious scarab jewel, the...
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Manheim Screamroller's Greatest Hits (track 3)
(to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”)
You know Wolfman and Count Drac and Mummy, he’s undead , Chucky and Jason and Freddy and Pinhead, But do you recall? The least useful monster of all? Creature from the Black Lagoon Could not breathe on the dry land, And if you reached the surface, He gave up without a plan. All of the other monsters Rolled their eyes and always sighed; ...
November 2009
1 post
Happy Spanksgiving
As we all get ready to enjoy a bountiful Thanksgiving meal, there’s one health fact that every man must remember on this holiday: pumpkin pie gets men aroused.
Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation determined that male sexual arousal is positively affected by the smell of pumpkin pie. In a clinical study of 31 subjects, various scents were tested against penile...
October 2009
10 posts
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Manheim Screamroller's Greatest Hits (track 2)
(to the tune of “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC)
[Drac] It was October 30th at night in my ‘hood My friends got a plan that sounds really good Got to pick up supplies for the plan to be Heading down the street to the town pharmacy Fillin’ up our bags, til they ‘bout to burst Wondering which of the houses gonna get hit first Pounds of toilet paper weighing...
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Manheim Screamroller's Greatest Hits (track 1)
(to the tune of “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney)
Follow the bouncing ball and sing along!
My bag is full Dressed like Krueger This candy’s cool So much sugar Loading up on a bountiful Trick or Treat Loading up on a bountiful Trick or Treat Munch on the snacks We’ll fill our guts Eat candy bars Found one with nuts Loading up on a bountiful Trick or...
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September 2009
17 posts
1 tag
WatchEvery Second of “Talk Dirty to Me” is Awesome
Poison’s music video for their first hit single, “Talk Dirty to Me,” might be the most amazing thing ever. Yeah, you heard me Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” - you can eat a big, hard one.
The reason its so incredible - every action, every second of time, every frame of film contains something that is totally boss.
Though...
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Fundraisin' Hell
(The auditorium of a middle school. MR. MARCOS runs on-stage, addressing the audience, which is filled with screaming kids.)
Mr. Marcos: Hello Milton F. Peabody Middle School! How are you kids doing today?!
(Kids cheer)
Marcos: Wow, you guys have a lot of energy. Your school is holding its annual fundraiser, and I’m here to tell you that you can help raise money for your school by...
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The Hypercube
(DAD walks onto stage, which is bare and black, lit by the stage lights.)
Dad: Susan are you home? (Enter SON and DAUGHTER) Hey kids, have you seen your mother anywhere? (They ignore him) Kids? I’m talking to you.
Son: Ugh, we’re ignoring you dad.
Dad: What for?
Son: We hate it here; why did we have to move?
Dad: Kids, I know moving was hard for you guys, but my job required that I...
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OCD Spider-Man
(Based on an idea by special guest star Asterios Kokkinos!)
(POLICE OFFICER is standing amidst a crime scene when suddenly SPIDER-MAN swings on to the stage.)
Policeman: Spider-Man! What do you think you’re doing here? This is a police investigation, we don’t need you around!
Spider-Man: I’ve been on the hunt for Doctor Octopus, just as long as you have sir. This is the third bank he’s...
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Life Lessons from Pro Wrestling
Lesson #3
“A friend in need - is a pest!”
- Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
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Time Travelin' Caligula
(THOMAS JEFFERSON is sitting at a desk. He has just finished writing the Declaration Independence, which is in his hand.)
Jefferson: This is some truly remarkable writing. I can only hope that King George will be as understanding, and grant our colonies the independence we so richly deserve.
(Suddenly, LIGHTING FX: Lightning. SOUND FX: Thunder. CALIGULA runs on stage.)
Jefferson: Who are...
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I Pay Enough to Go to This School!
(A recent survey was conducted to determine how currently enrolled college students are dealing with the stresses of trying to manage ever-increasing tuition with their academic studies. These results were compiled from a cross-section of students attending Occidental College.)
“I pay enough to go to this school, they should let me keep the mini-fridge in my room even if the RA...
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Tale of the Tape
(RING ANNOUNCER, is standing center-stage. JOHNNY BAXTER and BILL FUGMIPPLE, two boxers stand on either side of him. Both men are suited for action, juking-and-jiving, having their trainers tend to them.)
Ring Announcer: We are just a few hours away from one of the most anticipated matches in boxing history. The heavyweight champion of the world, Johnny “The Thunder” Baxter defends his title...
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Slow Day at Work
(BOBBY, a young clerk is standing behind a register at his job. He looks bored and exhausted. OSCAR, a gruff older man wobbles in; he is gray-haired and burly. Think Brian Dennehy or George C. Scott. Oscar takes a few moments to waddle around the store, looking around.)
Oscar (after a moment): How’s it going?
Bobby: Uh… alright I guess.
Oscar: Just “alright”? (chortles) Yeah, I bet no one...
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Health Class
(HARRIS, DAVE, KURT, MATT, DAN, JAKE, and JON are sitting in a classroom. Dave is intensely reading a text book. COACH KAYBOZ walks into the room.)
Matt: Coach Kayboz, what are you doing here?
Harris: And where are all the girls?
Coach: Eh uh pipe down. Today is a very special day of health class. Coach Vandykeowitz is with the girls; she’s teaching them how to put the, uh, tampons in their...
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Grey's Anatomy: The Board Game
(A living room. JON and JULIE are sitting on a couch, sipping on wine. JAKE and HARRIS are sitting on the floor. Everybody is smiling at GWEN, who is sitting in DAVE’s lap. The two have their arms around each other.)
Julie: So Dave, Gwen tells me that things between you two are going really well.
Dave: Yeah; the past three weeks have been great. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I must be doing...
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Dave's New Girlfriend
(DAVE and SARAH, are sitting on a couch. They are sipping glasses of wine, laughing and looking at each other longingly. Soft, romantic music is playing in the background.)
Sarah: Dave, I’m having a really nice time.
Dave: Me too. You’re the first normal girl I’ve been out with in awhile.
(Sarah laughs.)
Sarah: Well that’s good to know, I would hate to ruin this date.
Dave: I don’t think...
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Eliza Dushku and Count Dooku Play Sudoku
(Based on an idea by special guest John Ford!)
(Lights up on ELIZA DUSHKU and COUNT DOOKU playing sudoku on stage. Eliza: Yo, I think we should put an 8 right there, Count Dooku. Count: Yes, but we must be weary of the Jedi, Eliza Dushku. Eliza: Dang, that doesn’t work. We’ll never solve this sudoku. (GOKU enters) Goku: Maybe I can help? Eliza, Count (simultaneous): What are you...
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Life Lessons from Pro Wrestling
Lesson #2
“There’s two things you can do about it*: nothing and like it!”
- The Fabulous Freebirds
*it = losing
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The Classiest Sketch Ever.
(SEBASTIEN & DIANE, BRADLEY & BIANCA, and ESTEBAN are sitting around a coffee table sipping wine. The fireplace is lit, and the lights are dim. Chopin is playing in the background, softly.)
Bradley: Diane, I can’t say it enough: that was a truly wonderful dinner.
(Everyone agrees.)
Diane: Oh thank you, I was worried that the duck was too dry.
Sebastien: Not all darling; and...
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Passive Aggressive Bum Fight
(Two homeless man are standing on stage holding plates of food.)
Announcer: And now its time for “Passive-Aggressive Bum Fights” volume 13 – the shocking video series that America doesn’t want you to see!
Jasper: Losing my family, my house, and all my money – I never thought I’d have a decent meal again. Abe, we are so lucky that Saint Mary’s took us in for the holiday.
Abe: You can...
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Law and Order: Special XMas Unit
(Lights up. SFX CUE: “Law and Order” Bumper. DETECTIVES MELONI and NICHOLS are standing in a police interrogation room.)
Nichols: Are you sure you want to handle this?
Meloni: Look every minute we waste is another minute that this pervert goes un-punished.
Nichols: Elliot – go home. See your wife and kids. You haven’t given yourself a break; I don’t want you to fall apart.
...
August 2009
5 posts
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Gypsy Swing - The Lost Woody Allen Movie
(Despite his prolific track-record, fans have always been mystified by the unproduced work of film-maker Woody Allen, most notably a romantic comedy from the first half of his career known as “Gypsy Swing.” Written sometime between “Play It Again Sam” and “Manhattan,” little is still known about the project. Here now is a sample of that work in its original...
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Life Lessons from Pro Wrestling
Lesson #1
“Win if you can, lose if you must, but always… CHEAT!”
- Jesse “The Body” Ventura
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My Wallet Was Stolen. I Would Like It Back.
I don’t know if you realized this, but my wallet contained my money and credit cards. I need those!
It was a nice wallet too. It was a confirmation present from my uncle, Donald. Yeah, that’s right: I’ve had that wallet for eight years. Plus, I just added a picture of my lovely girlfriend, Sheila, to the wallet. The guys at work haven’t seen her yet and that was the...
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REAL AMERICAN LOVING by Roadblock
When he’s not trouncing the global threat of Cobra forces with his GI JOE allies, he’s working to help solve *your* romantic dilemmas. Heavy Machine Gunner by day, romantic strategist by night, Roadblock is here to whip your love life into shape!
1.) Single in San Fran
“Its been almost a year since my divorce (together for seven years). I just can’t seem to get...
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There's a New Sheriff in Town!
Well Howdy Cowpokes!
Yee Haw and welcome to FIRST installment of the Mead Composition Notebook! Round up all the little buckaroos for some knee-slappin’ HIGH-larious comedy courtesy of everyone’s favorite bronco! Coming up from the San Quintano Ranch, we got us some of the best punch-lines, funny pictures, and scathing satire this side of the Rio Grande!
You might even pick up a joke or two,...