Law and Order: Special XMas Unit
(Lights up. SFX CUE: “Law and Order” Bumper. DETECTIVES MELONI and NICHOLS are standing in a police interrogation room.)
Nichols: Are you sure you want to handle this?
Meloni: Look every minute we waste is another minute that this pervert goes un-punished.
Nichols: Elliot – go home. See your wife and kids. You haven’t given yourself a break; I don’t want you to fall apart.
Meloni: Mary. I’m fine.
(Enter COP, standing in doorway.)
Cop: Alright, you two, here he is.
(Cop drags in SANTA CLAUS, who is resisting and looks exhausted. Cop throws Santa down into an interrogation chair, then leaves.)
Santa: Excuse me sir and madam, but I’m quite confused. What exactly am I here for?
Nichols: Mr. Kringle, you were trespassing in a residential home. You had a six year old girl unconscious on the sofa. What were you intending to do?
Santa: You’re mistaken, madam, that girl was already asleep when I arrived to the house. I was merely going to give her a present.
(Meloni pulls Nichols aside, and motions her to be quiet.)
Meloni: Mr. Kringle, how old are you?
Santa: I am 247 years old; I am sprinkled in magic North Pole snow and –
Meloni (interrupting): 247? It must be hard to meet a woman your own age –
Santa: Well actually, I’m hap-
Meloni: I bet it’s frustrating, you got nice clothes, you have a steady job, you still have a lot to offer. Hey, you’re entitled to a good time. You should be able to spend it with someone good.
Santa: Uh… yes?
(Meloni begins circling Santa.)
Meloni: You know what, there’s nothing wrong with an older man liking a younger woman. Just how young do you like them?
Santa: Uh… I really do need to get back to my deliveries.
Meloni: Oh don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time for that later. There’s just one little thing we need to take care of first: the truth.
Santa: Now hold on a minute-
Meloni: No you hold on, old man!
Santa (rising from the chair): Old man?!
Meloni: Sit down! I don’t have any patience with people like you! That girl was six years old!
Nichols: Elliot, calm down!
(Meloni takes a moment to regain his composure, then smiles and smirks. He leans over to Santa, who is sitting back down).
Meloni: Mr. Kringle. Make it easy on yourself. Just tell us why you were at that girl’s house; you haven’t gone too far over the edge yet.
Santa: I just want to deliver my presents to all the good little girls and boys-
Meloni: Oh, I see how it is. You just want to deliver your… presents. You’ve done this before?
Santa: Yes, every year. I always deliver my presents to the children, while they sleep. They wake up the next morning and everything is different for them, it’s so delightful!
Meloni (leaning in close to Santa): So tell me Mr. Kringle. What is it? Was your old lady just not doing it for you anymore? Maybe you couldn’t get it up anymore? Or maybe you just like to get off on the sight of little kids.
Santa (standing up): Well I never-
Meloni (shoving Santa back down): I said sit down, fatso!
Santa: Take your hands off of me! I have rights!
Meloni: Rights? What rights? We haven’t arrested you for anything yet! No one even knows you’re here!
Nichols: Elliot, let go of him!
(Meloni grabs Santa and shoves him against the wall.)
Meloni: You know I would take care of you, myself… but you’re not worth it. Just keep living in your little world. You think you’re just giving little kids gifts? You’re going to get plenty of gifts when they ship you off to Riker’s. Do you know what they do in there to people like you? Huh? Do you know what they do to sad, little rapist perverts like you?!
Santa: What did you call me?!
(Santa struggles to break free, but Meloni shoves him to the ground and kneels on top of him. At that moment, DEFENSE ATTORNEY walks in.)
DA: Alright officers, that’s enough.
(Meloni gets off Santa, as Attorney helps pull him to his feet.)
DA: Putting your hands on my client? You must not care about your case. Police brutality? Mr. Kringle, I apologize for their actions – I will have you back home within the hour.
Santa: Thank you young man. There will be a special treat waiting in your stocking tonight.
(Defense Attorney and Santa leave the room. A moment of silence. Then Meloni grabs the chair and throws it.)
Meloni: Dammit!
Nichols: Elliot, go home. They’re going to take you off this case. Be with your family.
Meloni: You know, people like him, it really makes you wonder… Is this world still nice – or naughty.
(Slow light fade. SFX CUE: “Law and Order” theme.)
END.
