Passive Aggressive Bum Fight
(Two homeless man are standing on stage holding plates of food.)
Announcer: And now its time for “Passive-Aggressive Bum Fights” volume 13 – the shocking video series that America doesn’t want you to see!
Jasper: Losing my family, my house, and all my money – I never thought I’d have a decent meal again. Abe, we are so lucky that Saint Mary’s took us in for the holiday.
Abe: You can say that again. (Looks down at Jasper’s plate) Hey, it looks like you got some extra turkey.
Jasper: Yeah! They had so much food that Father Ted told me to get a second helping. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!
Abe: He just told you to “get some more turkey.” How did he say it exactly?
Jasper: What do you mean?
Abe: Well you know – and don’t take offense to this – but it seems odd that Father Ted would just give you a second helping.
Jasper: The community has been so kind this year. They donated such a wonderful bounty of food!
Abe: No, no, I get that, I get that. Its just… I could probably get a second helping too, but I don’t feel like begging today.
Jasper: I didn’t have to beg for this. It’s my first honest meal in 18-
Abe: Beg, plead, grovel. I don’t want to get into a battle of semantics.
Jasper: They have more turkey, if you’re still hungry. The community has been-
Abe: (interrupting) That’s alright. I’m not in a rush to eat all the turkey in the world, like some people. I’m happy with the food I have.
Jasper: This is the first meal in 6 months that hasn’t made me cry in shame.
Abe: No, no, I hear ya, I hear ya, I’m just not into begging for food these days. It seems like every bum is doing it, and the job field is really cluttered.
Jasper: What are you even talking about?
Abe: It’s just that I like pursuing other interests: rummaging, broken glass fights, trying to find my daughter. I think it allows me to approach the whole bum thing from a really unique angle.
Jasper: Do you want me to get you more turkey? There’s no shame in-
Abe: No don’t worry about it. I understand that some bums just have to beg more than others. It doesn’t come quite as naturally for every bum.
Jasper (pulls knife): Stop being so passive-aggressive!
Abe: Hey, if you need to use violence to win an argument, I’m just going to let you have this one.
Announcer: Passive Aggressive Bum Fights volume 13! When a man needs to survive on the street, you will see him getting snippy to a whole new level!
Abe: You know what I’m really into these days: getting piss-drunk and passing out underneath the bridge. Not a lot of bums do it; it’s a really select group of derelicts that can pull it off.
BLACK OUT.
