Grey’s Anatomy: The Board Game
(A living room. JON and JULIE are sitting on a couch, sipping on wine. JAKE and HARRIS are sitting on the floor. Everybody is smiling at GWEN, who is sitting in DAVE’s lap. The two have their arms around each other.)
Julie: So Dave, Gwen tells me that things between you two are going really well.
Dave: Yeah; the past three weeks have been great. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I must be doing something right.
(Everybody laughs.)
Gwen: Isn’t he adorable?
(Gwen wraps her arms around Dave and gives him a big hug.)
Harris: Now that Dave’s here, how about we kick this party into hyperdrive!
Dave: Uh oh, what do you guys have planned?
Jon: Dave, I hope you like board games because we’re playing (pulls out a box from under the couch) Grey’s Anatomy: The Board Game!
(Julie, Harris, Jon, Jake, and Gwen cheer and clap.)
Dave: Oh, they made a game out of that show. That’s… neat
Gwen: “Grey’s Anatomy” is the best show on television – and now it is the best board game!
Julie: Jon and I are Team McDreamy!
Jake: Look out, cause it’s the return of Team McSteamy!
(Jake and Harris aggressively slap hands.)
Gwen: Well I guess Dave and I will be Team the black doctor!
Julie (pulling out an index card, from game): Alright Team McSteamy, let’s see if your winning streak survives after this one: What is the nickname that Izzie’s mother gave her, when they were growing up in a trailer park?
Jake: Pfft, that’s easy-
Harris: The answer is “Cricket.”
Julie: Correct.
(Jake and Harris grunt and slam chests.)
Gwen (pulling out a card): Alright Team McDreamy, everyone finds out about Meredith’s mom’s Alzheimer’s, after she is admitted to the hospital for what problem?
Jon: Acute spinal stenosis!
(Julie smacks Jon across the face.)
Julie: It was diverticulitis – it’s a pretty common bowel disease. Hello? Episode 2-03 titled “Make Me Lose Control.” I knew that!
Gwen: Jon, you’re thinking of Mr. Dickerson, who is operated on by Derek in episode 3-09, “Whisper to a Scream.” Not much of a man, are you?
(Gwen, Julie, Jake, and Harris laugh.)
Dave: Wow, Gwen, you sure do know a lot about “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Gwen: The doctors at Seattle Grace aren’t just taking care of patients, Dave – they’re taking care of each other.
Dave (muttering): Yeah, that’s what the commercial says, isn’t it?
Gwen: Dave honey, how about we make our turn more interesting. A lightning round: 3 “Grey’s Anatomy” trivia questions in 30 seconds. I’ll let you field this one.
Dave: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.
Gwen (standing up): Dave, if you care about me, you’ll do this.
Dave: Uh… uh, alright.
Julie (reading from a card): True or false: Meredith’s favorite ice cream is chocolate.
Dave: Um, true?
Julie: False, its strawberry. In episode 2-13, “Begin the Begin” Dr. O’Malley treats a teenage hermaphrodite – name that hermaphrodite.
Dave: Um, McHermie?
Julie: Wrong again – it was Bex. Who cut Denny Duquette’s LVAD wire?
Dave: Uh, that Chinese girl from “Sideways.”
Gwen: Excuse me?! Cristina Yang is Korean, raised in Judaism, and is now an atheist. Izzie cut Denny’s wire, so that he would move up on the donor list. She accepted his marriage proposal just a few minutes before he died. God! Don’t you know anything about “Grey’s Anatomy”?
Dave: No! I don’t watch the show!
(Everyone else in the room gasps.)
Gwen: What’s wrong with you?
Dave: Nothing; I just think it’s kind of whiny and unrealistic.
Harris (standing up): You take that back!
Gwen (holding Harris back): Dave, honey, you need to understand: “Grey’s Anatomy” is the best show on TV. So, admit that you’re wrong, and we’ll try to salvage the party you ruined.
Dave: Gwen, you’re over-reacting. It’s just a TV show.
Keene (cracking knuckles): You’re about to take a trip to the emergency room. I hope Dr. Burke’s nerve damage flares up, so he can mess you up in surgery!
(He tries to walk forward, but Gwen pulls out a gun and aims at Keene.)
Dave: What the hell are you doing, Gwen?!
Gwen: He’s my boyfriend – back off!
Jake (pulling out a gun and aiming at Gwen): He’s nothing but trouble, and now you’re letting him bad-mouth “Grey’s Anatomy”!
Julie (pulling out a gun and aiming at Jake): Jake, put the gun down; we don’t want a big mess like last time!
Harris (pulling out a gun and aiming at Julie): Julie, don’t you dare aim a gun at my brother!
Jon (pulling out a gun and aiming at Harris): Don’t you aim a gun at my wife – unless you want to be a dead man!
Dave (nervously): Okay - you guys are right! “Grey’s Anatomy” is the best show on TV. So why don’t we put the guns down.
(Everybody is silent; they nervously look at each other.)
Jake: Julie, do you mind, you’re pointing your gun at my va-jay-jay!
(A pause. Gwen, Jon, Julie, Jake, and Harris burst into laughter. They put their guns down. Dave bowls over, exhaling in relief.)
Gwen (hugging Dave) Oh, I’m so happy you agree with us. Its okay that you’re new to the “Grey’s Anatomy”-verse. How about we lock all the doors, you call in sick from work, and the five of us have a “Grey’s Anatomy” DVD marathon – starting with the very first episode!
(Julie, Jon, Jake, and Harris cheer.)
Dave: Hey Gwen, can I see that gun for a second?
Gwen: Sure.
(Gwen hands Dave the gun. He looks at it, then quickly shoots Gwen, Jake, Harris, Julie, and Jon before they can react.)
Dave: Whew. 5 down, 30 million stupid assholes to go.
BLACK OUT.
