Health Class
(HARRIS, DAVE, KURT, MATT, DAN, JAKE, and JON are sitting in a classroom. Dave is intensely reading a text book. COACH KAYBOZ walks into the room.)
Matt: Coach Kayboz, what are you doing here?
Harris: And where are all the girls?
Coach: Eh uh pipe down. Today is a very special day of health class. Coach Vandykeowitz is with the girls; she’s teaching them how to put the, uh, tampons in their uh… how-do-ya-dooz. You and I are going to be talking about sexual intercourse.
(The entire class snickers.)
Coach: Hey zip it! You’re only laughing because you got so many misconceptions about the human body. So right now, ask me any questions you might have. Don’t be afraid – I’m here to set you straight.
(The students look at each other nervously, before Harris sheepishly raises his hand.)
Harris: Is it true, that if you have sex with a pregnant woman, you can poke the baby?
Coach: No – but you can get the baby pregnant if you don’t wear a condom.
Kurt (raising hand): What’s a, uh, a “dental dam”?
Coach: When a lady is getting her, uh, howdy-dood, a guy should use protection. Aluminum foil is the best thing to use, but if you have any fillings in your teeth, do not bite down. Anybody else?
Matt: Do girls even have a butt, or is it just one big vagina?
Coach: One big vagina, but only after she gives birth.
Dan: I heard the taint is the most sensitive part of the male body. Is that true?
Coach: Not only is it true, there are three pressure points in the taint that can kill a man, if hit. So always wear a dental dam.
Jon: You know that scene in “Road Trip” when Sean William Scott is in the sperm bank, and the nurse sticks her finger up his butt to make him ejaculate, does that mean that men can cum out of their ass?
Coach: You see movies ain’t always about realism – they don’t always tell the truth. Women don’t know how to satisfy men. Next question.
Kurt: When a girl uses a tampon for the first time, does that mean she’s no longer a virgin?
Coach: If she only uses her hands or mouth, technically “no.” But come on, we all know she’s damaged goods.
Matt: Is it pronounced “clit-oris” or “cli-toris”?
Coach: No, its pronounced “clip-board.”
Harris: Is K-Y Jelly the best thing to use for lubrication?
Coach: If you want to get really lubed up, use Italian food. But it does burn the skin.
Jon: What’s a “golden shower”?
Coach: Heck if I know; don’t get in-between women and their beauty products.
Kurt: I once ate a whole pack of Kraft American Cheese singles in like 6 hours, and afterwards I ripped the worst smelling ass. Does that have anything to do with girls?
Coach: Eh, not on the surface, but you’d be surprised what will come back to haunt you.
Jake: Say you’re taking a shit and you decide to jerk off too, cause you like to be efficient, and after you cum, you need to clean your ass, and you use the same piece of toilet paper that had cum on it, to wipe your ass, and you accidentally get cum in your ass. Does that make you a homosexual?
Kayboz: Depends on what you ate. Okay. I think we got a lot covered. Why don’t we end class early, go get some lunch.
Dave: Coach Kayboz, we were supposed to have a test today about drug addiction.
Coach: Oh uh, that’s been postponed till next week.
Dave (sighing): Ugh, I stayed up all night, studying for that test.
Coach (smirking): Hmph, boy you got some serious problems.
BLACK OUT.
