Tale of the Tape
(RING ANNOUNCER, is standing center-stage. JOHNNY BAXTER and BILL FUGMIPPLE, two boxers stand on either side of him. Both men are suited for action, juking-and-jiving, having their trainers tend to them.)
Ring Announcer: We are just a few hours away from one of the most anticipated matches in boxing history. The heavyweight champion of the world, Johnny “The Thunder” Baxter defends his title against the undefeated “Quizno” Bill Fugmipple. We are here at the official weigh-in of both competitors. (Turns to Johnny) “Thunder,” what makes you think you will give “Quizno” Bill his first loss?
Johnny: The bottom line is pound-for-pound, I’m the better athlete. I’m taller, stronger, (flexes) and you do not want to be staring down the barrel of these loaded guns.
Ring Announcer (turning to Bill): “Quizno” Bill, those are strong words – does your undefeated streak end tonight, or do you become world champion?
Bill: I’m not going to lie, Johnny Baxter may be a bit taller, may have more muscle (holds up fists) but all the pecs in the world ain’t going to stop these stone cold fists.
Ring Announcer (turns to audience): To figure out who has the edge, let’s go to the tale of the tape. The world champ is a 10 year veteran, while Fugmipple has only been fighting for four years – but in his favor, he has had a vasectomy. In terms of conditioning, the world champ has only 5 percent body fat-
Bill (interrupting): I got the better training program! I wake up at the crack of dawn and run until my nipples chafe and then I chug 3 raw eggs –
Johnny (interrupting): That’s nothing – I wake up forty minutes after I go to bed, run until my taint is black and blue, and then I chug 5 raw eggs - raw eggs from endangered bald eagles!
Bill: Alright, alright, you may have the better diet, but I am better at improv. Any game, any time, and I’ll crush you.
Johnny: How about “party quirks” – right now!
Bill: You’re on!
Ring Announcer: We’ve got an impromptu improv challenge! “Quizno” Bill, you are a gold prospector from the 1840s. Johnny Baxter, you’re “Carol Channing, without any arms.” Bring out the party host.
(ACTOR runs out on stage pantomiming cleaning up. Bill knocks at an invisible door.)
Actor: Come in.
Bill (rushing towards her): Der’s gold up in dat dem der mountains!
Actor: Oh, well why don’t you have some chips first, gold prospector!
(A bell rings.)
Ring Announcer: Correct!
(Johnny knocks on the invisible door, then walks in. Actor offers to shake hands, and Johnny gets confused at what to do.)
Johnny (doing an old lady impression, keeping his arms at his sides): Um, uh, darling you’ve got a wonderful place.
Actor: Uh – would you like something to drink?
Johnny: Um, no, I mean yes. Uh, give me a Bud Light.
Actor: How about a glass of wine, um… Mr.Gay Mummy?
(A buzzer goes off.)
Johnny: Dammit!
Ring Announcer: Oh, not quite!
Bill: Aw, too bad, looks like I got you beat!
Ring Announcer: Fugmipple has the obvious advantage when it comes to improv, but who is the best at sparring?
Bill: I can spar 10 rounds with Jamaican orphans!
Johnny: I can spar 11 rounds with live gunfire!
Bill: I can do 100 push-ups in 2 minutes!
Johnny: I can eat 100 push-pops in 2 hours!
Bill: I’m the CEO of monster.com!
Johnny: I killed Kurt Cobain!
(Johnny and Bill are about to come to blows, when Ring Announcer comes between them.)
Ring Announcer: Gentlemen, please save it for the ring!
Johnny: I can’t wait; I am going to destroy this chump right now!
Bill: You’re about to get knocked out by these stone cold fists!
(REFEREE runs out.)
Referee: We can’t hold them back – let’s get it on!
(A bell rings. Bill and Johnny put their fists up and charge one another. They grab each other’s faces and violently make out.)
Ring Announcer (while they are kissing): Amazing! I haven’t seen boxing this intense since Evander Holyfield vs. paranoia at Madison Square Garden!
(Johnny falls to the ground, looking exhausted. Referee hovers over him, and counts.)
Referee: 1 – 2 – 3 – 17 – 22 – A – B – Q – Mark Wahlberg kills Matt Damon at the end of “The Departed” – 10!
(Johnny falls over, knocked out.)
Referee: He’s done! Ring the bell! Ring the bell!
(A duck quacks. Referee hands the championship belt to Bill.)
Ring Announcer: Incredible! “Quizno” Bill Fugmipple is the new world champ!
Bill: I’m the greatest – the greatest of all time!
Ring Announcer: “Quizno” Bill, as the new world champ, who you plan to fight first?
Bill: 17 cheeseburgers!
Ring Announcer: All hail Bill Fugmipple – king of the boxing galaxy!
BLACK OUT.
