Time Travelin’ Caligula
(THOMAS JEFFERSON is sitting at a desk. He has just finished writing the Declaration Independence, which is in his hand.)
Jefferson: This is some truly remarkable writing. I can only hope that King George will be as understanding, and grant our colonies the independence we so richly deserve.
(Suddenly, LIGHTING FX: Lightning. SOUND FX: Thunder. CALIGULA runs on stage.)
Jefferson: Who are you?
Caligula: Thomas Jefferson, do you not recognize my visage? I am Caligula!
Jefferson: The Ancient Roman Emperor? Caligula died over a thousand years ago. You are clearly insane.
Caligula: (Brandishing sword) I am not mad! I am an emperor! I – am – a – GOD!
Jefferson: Stay away from me!
Caligula: You dare defy Caligula? (He grabs Jefferson and shoves him to the ground. He begins to ride him like a horse. He grabs the declaration.)
Jefferson: Oh god, somebody help me!
Caligula: (reading document) “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness?” Change it to, “Horses to Cuddle With!” (puts sword to Jefferson’s neck) Immediately!
Jefferson: (nervously writing) You are a sick man! Don’t you know that Caligula is dead!
Caligula: Oh I am not dead – but traveling – through time! And I have come here to have sex with the future!
(Caligula grabs Jefferson, and runs off stage. Jefferson screams. FOLK SINGER enters, playing guitar.)
Singer: Time Travelin’ Caligula/ He’s Time Travelin’ Caligula/ He’s a tyrant cripple with insanity/ And now he’s getting it on with history!
(Singer exits. TWO VIETNAM PROTESTERS and ARMED GUARD enter. The protesters are holding picket signs reading “Make Love, Not War” and “Leave Vietnam – NOW!” The Armed Guard has a gun, and is facing them.)
Both Protestors: (chanting) Send them home! Send them home!
Guard: I’m ordering the two of you to abandon this protest and leave quietly!
Protestor 1: Just like that asshole Nixon is ordering kids to die in the jungles of Vietnam?!
Protestor 2: Hey Kent State is our school, we have the right to be here - more right than a pig with a gun!
(Suddenly, LIGHTING FX: Lightning. SOUND FX: Thunder. Caligula runs on stage holding Jefferson by a leash.)
Guard: I ordered all students to leave the protest – and that includes you dirty hippie!
Caligula: I am no hippie, I am Caligula – (pulls out time crystals) and with these magic time crystals, I can go anywhere in history.
Protestor 1: Stand your ground, right on!
Caligula: As Roman emperor, I am declaring war – on the sky! I need an army of seven thousand Macedonians. Tonight we attack the moon!
Protestor 2: Hey man, war never solves anything. Put down your sword and pick up some peace!
Caligula: War solves everything. Now hurry the clouds are spying on us! (Begins leaping in the air, trying to stab the sky.)
(Protester 2 places a flower in Caligula’s hair. Caligula panics.)
Caligula: Aagh! Jefferson, he’s trying to steal my brain with his Hebrew witchcraft. Attack!
(Jefferson lunges at Protester 2, and stabs him to death. He falls to the ground, and Protester 1 hovers over re-creating the iconic photograph, screaming.)
Guard: I’m so getting blamed for this.
Caligula: And now we are off to dine with mastodons in the Ice Age – the second Ice Age!
(Cast exits, as Singer enters.)
Singer: Time Travelin’ Caligula/ He’s Time Travelin’ Caligula/ He’s changing history for the worse/ Just so he can have sex with a horse!
(FUTURE MAN walks on stage. He is standing at a podium, communicating over a brain frequency. All of his dialogue is delivered over the PA system, while his mouth is shut.)
Future Man: Don’t worry Central Command, he is being tracked as we speak. Caligula will not be able to escape the thought police!
(Suddenly, LIGHTING FX: Lightning. SOUND FX: Thunder. Caligula rides Jefferson on stage, who has been reduced to a slobbering animal.)
Caligula: Ah, this shall be an excellent resting place after my forbidden tryst with the dodo bird!
(Caligula tries to walk forward, but crashes into an invisible force field. He is trapped. SOUND FX: Laser.)
Caligula: Why can I not move?
Future Man: Caligula, this is the year 3915. You are under telepathic arrest by the Time Patrol, for crimes against history.
Caligula: Release me at once!
Future Man: We will release you, after you hand over the time crystals.
Caligula: If you want to negotiate, talk to Thomas Jefferson. I have appointed him as my Venetian Consulate. He is also my lover.
Future Man: Give me the time crystals, Caligula! If not, then my brain-rays will melt your cerebral cortex!
(Future Man shoots a telepathic brain wave at Caligula. Caligula clutches his head and collapses to the ground in pain. SOUND FX: Laser sound.)
Caligula: But there is something you should know – (He begins to speak telepathically, the rest of this speech is delivered over the PA system) I went to the year 5275, and had a telepathic brain implant. (Caligula and Future Man have a mind fight, then Caligula shatters the force field.) And then I made love to nine robots!
(Caligula lunges forward and stabs Future Man, who falls down dead. Caligula begins petting Jefferson’s head.)
Caligula: My love, we are free to ravage all of time. Let us move on to Feudal Japan – and we shall be married in the spring!
(Folk Singer enters.)
Singer: Time Travelin’ Caligula/ He’s Time Travelin’ Caligula/ Travelin through time/ To have sex -
(Caligula grabs the singer’s guitar.)
Caligula: Give me your guitar! I want to eat your guitar!
(Singer screams and runs off stage.)
Black Out.
