OCD Spider-Man
(Based on an idea by special guest star Asterios Kokkinos!)
(POLICE OFFICER is standing amidst a crime scene when suddenly SPIDER-MAN swings on to the stage.)
Policeman: Spider-Man! What do you think you’re doing here? This is a police investigation, we don’t need you around!
Spider-Man: I’ve been on the hunt for Doctor Octopus, just as long as you have sir. This is the third bank he’s robbed this week, and he needs to be stopped.
Policeman: Well just stay back, he stole something from the vault.
Spider-Man: Yeah… and there sure is a lot of broken glass, everywhere.
(Spider-Man cringes and begins picking up the broken glass on the ground)
Policeman: What are you doing?! You’re tampering with a crime scene!
Spider-Man: I’m sorry – I just – (cringes) These can’t be here; someone could cut themselves. Wait! My Spidey-Sense is tingling!
Policeman: Oh no is Doc Ock coming back to attack us?
Spider-Man: No – I think I left the oven on. I need to go home and turn it off.
Policeman: How does that help us?
Spider-Man: Please, let me handle it. I need to be in control of it.
Policeman: What’s your problem you obsessive little freak?
(Exit Spider-Man and police officer, as LOUNGE SINGER walks on, singing to the tune of the 1960s theme song.)
Singer: OCD Spider-Man!/ Feels compelled – to wash his hands!/ Goblin’s got Mary Jane!/ But germs are driving him insane!/ Look out!/ Keeps all his spit in a ca-an!/ OCD Spider-Ma-an/OCD Spider-Maaaan!
(He exits stage, as J. JONAH JAMESON walks on with SECRETARY nervously pacing behind him, trying to take notes.)
Jameson (slamming newspaper on table): How do you like this for a headline: “Masked Menace Scares Citizens with Wall-Crawling Crime Spree.” I’ll tell you how it is - its bunk. We need another of Peter Parker’s pictures for our front page. Where is he? He always seems to be in the right place, at the right time - except for when a deadline’s due. I swear I’m surrounded by dodo-heads!
(Spider-Man slides up)
Spider-Man: Well birds of a feather, flock together.
Jameson: Spider-Man! You better get out of here, or I’ll call the cops!
Spider-Man: Don’t blow a gasket, Lame-son. I hear Doc Ock sent a clue to the Daily Bugle about where he plans to strike next.
Jameson: Oh yeah, how do we know you’re not in cahoots with that tentacled terror?
Spider-Man: Because I’m here to protect (begins re-shifting chair in Jameson’s office) I have my own way of doing things (shifts chair to original position) Let me handle it (shifts it back to new position) uh – everything’s so disorganized (begins folding up newspaper) uh … is there a sink around here? The newspaper, its so dirty -
Jameson: But you’re wearing gloves.
Spider-Man: I can feel the ink on my finger tips.
Secretary: Oh is that one of your powers?
(Spider Man runs out whimpering, holding his hands up)
Jameson: How’s this for a headline: “Anal Arachnid is Really Obsessive Asshole.”
(Jameson & Secretary exit, as Lounge Singer re-enters.)
Singer: Is it wrong?/ Listen, bud/ He faints at the sight of blood/ And his mask has no loose threads/ He doesn’t let you touch his head/ Hey there/ It’s OCD Spider-Man
(Singer exits, as DOCTOR OCTOPUS enters, holding MARY JANE hostage.)
Mary Jane: Hhheelllppp!!!
Doc Ock: You can scream your pretty little head off, but it won’t do you any good. You’re merely bait for the bigger catch. This time around, it will be the spider that gets caught in the web.
(Enter Spider-Man)
Spider-Man: Think again four eyes!
Dock Ock: How did you find me?
Spider-Man: I put a spider-tracer on you … and now before we fight, I’m going to need to get it back.
(Spider-Man begins looking for tracer on Doc Ock)
Mary Jane: Spider-Man, hurry up!
Spider-Man: Let me go! I have a very specific method. I don’t see you looking for it. Uh, where is it?
Doc Ock: Well I was wearing a different jacket before – oh wait, come on, hurry up. I need to make sure you’re soundly defeated before I can leave. There is a very big ball of nuclear energy in the basement - and it’s getting bigger.
Spider-Man: Alright, I’m ready for you (Puts up fists) Looks like you might have a slight advantage in this boxing match.
Mary Jane: Spray him with your webbing!
Spider-Man: I don’t do that anymore (cringes) It gets everywhere; so hard to clean up.
Mary Jane: Well then swing around him!
Spider-Man: Why can’t you let me live my life? I’m comfortable with my condition.
(An alarm goes off)
Doc Ock: Oh, goddamit. This place is about to hit meltdown. Ugh, I guess if no one else is going to stop New York from going up in flames, it’s gotta be me. I don’t need eight hands to do this (gives Spider-Man the middle finger) Thanks for nothing, jackass.
(Doc Ock exits. Alarm stops. Mary Jane rushes over to hug Spider-Man).
Mary Jane: How about a kiss, hero?
Spider-Man: (tries leaning in to kiss her) I – uh – hang on (tries lifting flap on mask) no wait, try it like this (tries turning head upside down) uh – no it’s not right.
Mary Jane: Spider-Man, you need help; maybe you should see a shrink.
Spider-Man: I can’t. This is my burden, my curse. I’ve been given a great power, and with great power comes great responsibility – the responsibility to make sure everything is in its correct place. Everything needs to be exactly right.
Mary Jane: (sighs) Is being a whiny pussy one of your powers?
(Enter Lounge Singer)
Singer: Seems like it, toots. (begins singing) To him, life is a great big mess up/ Whenever there’s a clean up/ You’ll find the OCD Spider-Man!
BLACK OUT.
