Fundraisin’ Hell
(The auditorium of a middle school. MR. MARCOS runs on-stage, addressing the audience, which is filled with screaming kids.)
Mr. Marcos: Hello Milton F. Peabody Middle School! How are you kids doing today?!
(Kids cheer)
Marcos: Wow, you guys have a lot of energy. Your school is holding its annual fundraiser, and I’m here to tell you that you can help raise money for your school by selling magazine subscriptions. And there’s a special bonus for you kids - if you help sell subscriptions, you win AWESOME PRIZES FOR FREE!
(Kids cheer, shout “Yeah!”)
Marcos: Now just by signing up to volunteer, you get this Mondo Cool Selena Gomez Poster!
(Cheers, KID 1 stands up)
Kid 1: Fuck yeah!
Marcos: Whoa, settle down – you don’t want to get too excited. Because there are still lots of prizes to go, like the one you get if you sell 10 subscriptions: your very own Funky Hip Hoppin’ Boom Box!
(KID 2 jumps up.)
Kid 2: This shit’s awesome! I’m gonna win the most prizes!
Kid 1: The fuck you are. I’m gonna get the Super Cool prizes!
Marcos: Hey kids, easy there – it’s not a competition. Let’s calm down, and just have fun. Now if you sell 25 subscriptions, you get this Rockin’ Dinosaur stuffed animal, with your choice of T-Rex or Velociraptor!
(GIRL STUDENT stands up)
Girl: Go T-Rex!
Kid 2: Velociraptor rules!
Girl: Shove it up your ass!
Marcos: Kids, this is my last warning. Please, don’t use that language.
Girl: We’re just excited – excited for Tubular Prizes!
(Kids cheer)
Marcos: This is a middle school right? If everyone can promise to behave, I can get on with the prizes.
(KID 3 delivers line, while remaining seated.)
Kid 3: There better be more prizes, otherwise we’re listening to this douche for nothing!
(Kids laugh)
Marcos: Do you talk to your parents like that?
Kid 3: I ate my parents!
Marcos: What does THAT mean? Principal Snider, can you come out here.
(Enter PRINCIPAL SNIDER who is loudly booed.)
Principal: These kids look excited to win some Super Prizes for a new panic room. So what’s the problem?
Marcos: These kids are too rowdy.
Principal: Just keep moving on with the presentation. Say is that a Totally Max Super Soaker Water Gun?
(Kids cheer)
Kid 1: I’m gonna squirt Tommy in the eye with that thing – but I’ll fill it up with bleach instead of water!
Kid 2 (brandishing switchblade): I’d like to see you try asshole! You may have blinded Rick, but I’m still standing.
(Kids chant “fight!”)
Girl: Cut a tendon; you can’t recover from that!
Marcos: Aren’t you going to stop them?
Principal: Stop them from getting free prizes - and a panic room for their principal?
(Kids shout “NO!”)
Marcos: But they’re going to hurt each other!
Girl: Tommy won’t hurt anyone – he’s all talk.
Kid 2: Shove off bitch!
Girl: Suck my cock!
Marcos: THAT IS IT! THIS FUNDRASING RALLY IS OVER! YOU KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. NO ONE IS GOING TO GET ANY PRIZES BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE PROPERLY. YOU’RE JUST KIDS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Principal: You should be happy that they’re only using the knives this year.
Marcos: These kids are crazy!
Kid 3: I want that Boom Box, and I will you fight you for it!
Marcos: You’re 10 years old!
Kid 3: I am not afraid to die!
Girl: Let’s charge the stage! I want prizes!
(Kids shout “yeah!” They rush to the stage. Kid 2 puts knife up to Mr. Marcos.)
Marcos: Wait – wait – wait – everybody cool out; if you sit back down – uh – and no one gets hurt, I can tell you about the awesome pizza party you can win for your class!
Kid 2: Last year it was an ice cream party!
(Kid 2 slashes at back of Mr. Marcos’ Achilles heel with switchblade. Marcos screams, falling to the ground. Kids grab prizes)
Kid 1: Let’s go fuck some shit up!
(Kids cheer and run off. Principal leans over to prone Marcos.)
Principal: Ice cream party always beats pizza party. Maybe if you sell 50 subscriptions, you can get a clue.
BLACK OUT.
